TEAM BIDDLE

Some things in life are "Free"...

2009-12-11T15:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Free,

Hi sweet boy. I wanted to write you a letter from your family to tell you that we love you. Especially your big brother Noah. He talks about you all the time and tells his friends that his little brother is in California right now, and that his name is Free. He misses you. I hope you can come visit us sometime. Noah would love to play with you, and show you all the things that big brothers love to show little brothers.

Here are some of the priceless things you should know about your brother:

*he's got the best toothy smile you'll ever see

*he has great manners

*he loves to say his prayers

*he thinks he's a skateboarder and wears knee pads around the house

*he loves a good nap

*he's VERY tall

*he loves his Grandma and Grandpas

Please come see us soon Free. We'll be waiting.

Love,
Mom and your big brother Noah

FYI-"Free" is Noah's imaginary friend

Redheads!!!!

2009-12-04T14:17:00.000-08:00

Angles

2009-09-20T08:20:00.000-07:00

So this will not be my usual post with cute pictures of Noah naked, or me making a kissy face...it will be a hodge podge of thoughts and feelings. Although come on, that diaper picture was hilarious. I digress.

Our driveway sits at a funny angle. Its impossible to get out of the driveway if it snows and Noah's scooter tends to go to the left when he rides down it. And I've been known to hit our garbage cans more than once. So the angle drives me nuts.

But the angle that happens when my 3 year old rests his head of apricot hair on my shoulder is the best angle. Its an angle I can get on board with anytime of day 24/7, messy chocolate face and all.

Life has lots of angles when you think about it. As the old phrase goes when you have a problem "try looking at things from a different angle." I've been trying to do that lately. Sometimes I get wallowed down in the reality that the angles have not aligned properly. A beautiful mess of irregularity is just what we need every now and then.

I have a life full of irregularities. One child, a love of all things cake, a listening ear that had the bishop asking me if I needed therapy to help out his ward members who have spilled their guts to me, and some Young Women who keep me up nightly wondering how I can make sure they know that the Lord loves them. And I'm totally on Team Jacob. So my angles are a little off, a little to the left, wouldn't you say? Or are they just perfect...for me?

Whatever angles come my way, I'd like to think I can handle or appreciate them for the joy they add to my life. And if I keep hitting the garbage can, so what.

p.s. just had to put a picture of up his cute face...I couldn't resist this camera angle.

A Couple of Hunks

2009-09-10T08:33:00.000-07:00

My feet started itching right after the last guest left. I looked over the stash of presents that had been given to me by friends and family, and the excitement for our new baby grew. Presents sometimes make things feel more real, don't they? I figured my feet itching was just a side effect of being 7 1/2 months pregnant, walking around in barefeet and the heat of the summer.

I had taken the velvet ropes down to show all the guests the baby room, and the "oohs and aahhs" were gently filling up those wounds of long ago...wanting a baby. My itchy feet and I put the finishing touches on the room with our new gifts and I slumbered peacefully that night. Finally, a baby shower for me.

I mentioned to the doctor the next day that my feet and hands were itching pretty bad and maybe I had something called PUPPS that I had heard about. I offered him advice of giving me some kind of cream, salve, anything because the itching was getting worse. He said I didn't have PUPPS, but that there was a liver problem that can happen in pregnancy called cholestasis. He hadn't seen a case for 25 years since medical school. Oye. So they took my blood and sent me on my merry way.

I got a call within a couple of hours asking Andy and I both to return to the office. That's never good is it? I did have cholestasis and it can be dangerous. The baby starts to show signs of distress usually and there is a higher chance of stillborn. Was he freaking kidding? We went home in a little bit of shock.

We took the drugs he suggested, and nothing. The itching got worse. And worse, and worse. Blessing after blessing was given. The itching was worsening, and sleep was a thing of the past as the itching would not allow for one minute for my eyes to close. I spent nights in a cold tub, itching myself to the point of bleeding. Crying to the point of mania. I was exhausted and still we were a good while from the due date.

We went into the doctors office almost everyday to check on the baby, and to see if he could save me from this state of crazy I was now in. Everything on my body itched...everything. Nails, eyelashes, knuckles, mouth. Andy pleaded for something, something to make it go away. The only light was getting the baby out. And with him coming out the liver would return to normal. But it was too early.

I trusted my doctor, he was the best. An old LDS friend of the family. He knew his stuff, and I had faith he and Heavenly Father were having a secret pow wow as to how long to keep my itchy self in its sleepless state. Three amnios were done, day after day to see if the lungs were developed. We knew it was a long shot, since it was over 6 weeks to the due date.

On the night before the next amnio (Labor Day 2006)...I went to a place I've never been. Madness. Itching, horrible. Husband, desperate. No sleep in almost 2 weeks. I cried hysterically as Andy tried to calm me down and offer solace by reading out of the baby name book. Just in case we should name him something other than the planned, Alexander. He read over the "N's" and said "Noah." We both paused. The crying stopped briefly. I loved it, and he loved it.

The next day as we waited for the news if the lungs were developed...prayers were given, and when the phone rang, I cried. "Be here in a couple of hours, he's coming out." We were warned that he would need to be in the hospital since he was 5 1/2 weeks early, and so we prepared for the long haul.

The c-section was what it was. Noah had turned himself completely around that day and he was strangled in the cord. He NEEDED to come out that day. He HAD to come out that day. He was 7 + lbs. No mere preemie. He was a hunk. And I'm lucky enough 3 years later to know I have two hunks. Two great hunks that I love. And when I look back, the itching wasn't so bad.

8

2009-05-19T11:30:00.000-07:00

So these two goofs have been married 8 years today. Can't imagine those 8 years with anyone else. Go Team Biddle!

In the meantime...

2009-04-29T14:21:00.001-07:00

I am not pregnant. I am really depressed about it. This was essentially the end of the road for us. No more pills, no more shots, no more doctors. My body can't take anymore.

As I was filling yet another tub of clothing that Noah has outgrown, I was sad, really sad. These tubs have been in reserve for the next baby. "Just in case" tubs. And although I am sad, I am sad for Noah. He loves other children. He gets excited when we drive past the neighbors in the hopes that Sam and Luke will be outside. He grabbed Jillian's hand at church on Sunday as to say "let's go buddy..." It breaks my heart to pieces.

I don't understand why this has been our trial. I don't understand why it worked once, and then not again.

So I might burn the pills, melt the shots and shred my 500 page stack of doctors files. Or I might put them in one of the tubs for safekeeping. In the meantime...I still believe in miracles.

Abilities and Pellet Ice

2009-04-14T15:02:00.000-07:00

Its been a long time since I've blogged...I think Facebook has addicted me for the time being. However, I want to try to journal what has been going on in our lives other than a few quick updates for the masses.

Life in the Biddle house is good. We are still trying to get pregnant one more time, but it just hasn't happened for us. After this month we have to make some tough decisions, since I just can't be on the drugs anymore. They not only make me crazy, but I have a ferocious appetite and well...did I mention CRAZY?! Even I know they are making me a little nutso. But all for the good of a pregnancy, so I can handle 3 more weeks.

We took a trip down to Cali for a family reunion on Andy's side of the family and to see his Aunt Pat. It was a lot of fun to see everyone, spend time together as a family, and especially to see our friends the Devericks. I didn't want to leave! They live in the most beautiful place, and I missed just talking to them and laughing together as friends. I told Andy I was going back soon! Soon soon!

My mind has been full of thoughts as I wrap up this round of baby trying drugs. I had a realization about a week ago that this was it...the end of my ability to have a baby on this earth. Now while that might sound dramatic, I never thought that age or circumstance would inhibit me from having a child. But in our case it really does, on both counts. I cried a little when I thought about the way I feel inside...that of a teenager...and that hope and dream to have a few children. To see your future as endless. The reality is that women have an expiration date. Some are never able to have children. Some, one. Its a very strange emotion....makes me sad. And I don't need to type about the miracle that is Noah. I know. I know everytime I look at those big browns and crazy red hair.

So while I try not to wallow in my disappointment or hopefully joy in another miracle...life is good. Really good. I have a great life. And our local Shell station now has pellet ice. Is there anything better?

New Moon

2009-03-11T09:12:00.000-07:00

So I got up at the crack of dawn this morning (Noah standard wake up time) to see the most beautiful new moon outside my kitchen window. It was huge and orange and a wash of joy came over me. Simple beauty.

As is this cute face.

Upgrades

2009-02-11T08:14:00.000-08:00

Every now and then I look around our house a little disheartened. The paint has chipped a lot from wear and tear. It wouldn't be an easy fix, it needs to be re-done. The dog has scratched the paint off the window sill. The master bedroom bath needs to be updated as does the kitchen. We can't stand our kitchen. Its older, isn't a good use of space and you bang your head if you are trying to talk to someone in the great room. Our old house was all brand new...beautiful and dreamy.

But we know where our money has gone. It went to getting HIM. The Freets. And for the second I feel disappointed that the house doesn't look the way I think it should...I think of HIM.

I think about this being his first home. I love that we can see the fireworks off Lake Washington from our front lawn. He plays in his little wading pool off the back deck in the summer. And that Cabo now sleeps outside his bedroom next to the scratched up walls. The house is beautiful because of HIM. Its our home, and all the upgrades can wait. It was worth the money.

Featherless

2009-01-26T18:27:00.000-08:00

Our FHE lesson tonight was on President Hollands talk from last conference. It was about angels.

It got me to thinking tonight about how many earthly angels I have. I feel like I have been blessed with a lot of them. Some of them come in small packages...a 2 year old who folds his arms for prayers. Or an adult package, in the form of a husband who says "go take a nap, you need to relax for a little while." Those are my angels.

My dear, kind, lovely friends. I feel showered with love, empathy, understanding and laughter all the time...anytime, day or night. They are also my angels.

So thank you all my featherless friends. You are all angels indeed.

Egg Waiting Room

2009-01-16T08:40:00.001-08:00

I told Cali SIB yesterday, nothing is more heartwarming than hearing your doctor say "your window is slowly closing." Translation: your eggs are getting old, so are you and you are running out of time.

I picture the little eggs...some of them dusty, some of them are using canes for support, some are too dried out and broken, some are my young Hawaii eggs that are just waiting to catch the next wave out (too inappropriate...you get it). Of course those young eggs are my favorite. They are the ones in great shape, smooth shells (maybe a little egg botox is going on?) and ready for action. They are eager to jump out the sliver of window available...for their chance to meet up with their partner in crime.

But, in the meantime they are waiting. I am waiting. I gotta tell you, it sucks. I know the ache I felt when I couldn't get pregnant, and somedays this ache of not getting pregnant again brings it all back 100 times over. And what breaks my heart the most, is the look on Andy's face. As energy-draining and time consuming as Noah is, he wants as much as I do for Freeto to have a little brother/sister to protect, poke with sticks and drive me crazy with.

So I think of those eggs that are barely hanging on...waiting their turn. And even if they never make their way to the BIG SHOW...I hope the windows stays open just a little bit longer for them. I'll make them a nice home if they do. And introduce them to one really cool little brother.

Biddle Family Motto for 2009

2009-01-03T18:12:00.000-08:00

1st Timothy 4:12

(edit!) you'd think I knew this was the YW Scripture theme for the year since I'm in YW!

"...be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity."

Happy 2009 to all!

Cabo and Me.

2008-12-28T19:17:00.000-08:00

She has a grey goatee. She barks when anyone comes near the house. She has been known to eat a diaper. She loves parmesan cheese on her dog food. She leaves doggie hair ALL over the place for me to clean up daily. She has saved my life.

Andy and I went and saw Marley and Me, and laughed so hard we were crying. Not only because the movie is funny, but because it was like watching Cabo in a movie.

I have blogged about Cabo before, but now I do it with the intent to express my feeling about how much I truly love this dog.

After she came into our lives (via the shelter)....I didn't like her at all. I DID NOT LIKE DOGS. But, we figured it was a pre-cursor to baby...so I gave it a try. I didn't like being near dogs, the smell of dogs or anything dog-like. But to make a long story short, I fell in love. She had pneumonia within the first week we had her, and to see her suffer in the vets office melted my "dog hating heart" into a pile of goo. I called the vets office every few hours during the middle of the night that first night to make sure she was still alive. After that, she slept next to me...and still does.

Here are a few little known facts about Cabo:

*She has eaten through drywall and wood. We were told by a trainer to put wasabi, yup folks, wasabi on the part she was eating to keep her from chewing it. She licked up the wasabi like it was a fresh bowl of water, and kept on chewing.

*She ate through a Costco size box of Ziploc sandwich baggies. I came home from work to see thousands of baggies not only gone and digested, but in shreds all over the bathroom floor. Along with about 10 rolls of toilet paper.

*She has eaten duct tape and money. I won't tell you how we found out how.

*She ate a whole chocolate cake while we were at church. She threw up for 2 days. Andy had to sleep on the deck with her. This was not her finest moment.

*She ate two cubes of butter...again, I'll spare you the details.

There are a lot more funny stories about her...but I'll just finish by explaining why she has saved me.

Andy and I had a rough go of it our first years of marriage. We didn't know what we were doing, we were both selfish and needed to grow up. We were learning how to communicate with each other but it was coming together slower than we thought. When Cabo came into our home she became my buddy that loved me unconditionally. She was happy to see me and we understood each other in our own secret way. She has to be within 3 feet of me at all times, and she made me feel secure. Who knew we could save that $300 an hour on marriage therapy and just get a dog with a few "issues?"

But from her unconditional animal love...she taught Andy and I to be kinder to each other. She taught us to keep our voices lower because it bothered her. She is our great defender and sweet puppy. She is crazy and unruly and we love her. Marley's got nothing on her.

You're a wise one...Mr. Grinch

2008-12-26T08:31:00.000-08:00

So this Christmas could be looked upon as a bust for the following reasons:

*bought cards, cancelled order, bought cards, cancelled order...finally picked a card I liked. Got snowed in and could not buy the right size envelopes/flocked stickers for cards.

*haven't seen the mailman in over a week...snowed in.

*slid beautifully backward down our hill in our Jeep (its fun seeing your neighbors houses from the other direction)

*snowed in...I mean seriously snowed in.

*finally made it to Target during a rainy break in the snow, and grabbed anything we could for Noah, whilst fighting with other parents doing the same thing.

*our hill is the official hill for snowboarders, skiers, sledders. Kids and adults come from miles around. This makes it the party hill...but see the comment about sliding backwards in the car. It also makes it a hill of ice.

*church has been cancelled for two weeks.

So in summary, no cards got sent this year. The cookies didn't get made because we ran out of flour and couldn't get out of the driveway. Andy was without gifts because we kept worrying about Noah. No primary program hearing Silent Night and Away in a Manger. Blah, feeling bad and guilty, blah. THEN my epiphany...

It was ok. My friends know I wish them a very Happy Holiday season. My friends also know I LOVE to bake and would have delivered them delicious treats in cute, funky boxes.

But being snowed in with my family was the greatest gift I got this Christmas. I got to play with Noah in the snow, sled down our hill...and enjoy cocoa and laughter with my husband. I got to sing (and be told to "SHHH" by our son) carols in our home and to each other. We did a finger puppet play of the nativity to Noah while he was nodding off Christmas Eve.

It came without ribbons, and came without tags...it came without packages, boxes or bags!

Our hearts have all grown three sizes this week.

Flocked

2008-12-15T15:25:00.001-08:00

I have posted about this before, but I was blessed to grow up in an old Craftsman Style home. It was beautiful. It had a front entryway...and small library foyer...a dining room with a chandelier and a big wooden staircase. My Mom said when she looked at houses she always kept in the back of her mind that the house must have details that would give a child memories. That house is still engrained in my mind. They paid $13K for the house...

One of the unforgettable details was the flocked wallpaper. It started at the bottom of the staircase and ended at the top. It was fun to touch, since it felt like velvet. It provided a guide for my sister and I as we would sneak down the stairs to peek at the Christmas tree on Christmas morning. It was a reminder that we were home as we would slowly walk up the stairs touching the wallpaper with our little fingers all the way up.

I love the look of flocked paper. Its old fashioned and unique. I hope I can show Noah some flocked paper someday, and explain its happy memory to him. I hope I can provide him a home full of great memories.

Now while the reality of that home not having any siblings for him is very real I hope that memories and love will always abound.

We are finished with our fertility treatments and now we just wait and hope it works. Its funny how somedays I am at peace with the reality of just having one child and then there are days when the peace is gone and the aching just feels like too much.

But like that flocked wallpaper that was always there to guide me, so is my Father in Heaven. He is there for me as my steady guide to hang onto both up the stairs and down. Just as the wallpaper was never changing, so is he. Just like the wallpaper was a reminder I was safe, he provides the same comfort . And I am ok.

Random Pics

2007-01-11T19:16:00.000-08:00

Here's a few random pics of Team Biddle's fearless leader, crazy dog, stylin Noey, and Mama and the Freets.

No room at the Inn...

2007-01-17T12:22:00.000-08:00

As you can see there is no room on the king size bed for anyone! Andy and I have to eek out a sliver in-between Noah and Cabo!

Noah is about to outgrown his papasan chair. He cannot fall asleep without being bundled...soon he'll have to be bundled in a quilt!

Special Surprise!

2007-01-21T17:40:00.000-08:00

We had a special visit yesterday! Andy's grandma and his aunt and uncle came up from CA to see us. It was such a nice visit since its Noah's great grandma and great aunt! We also had all of Noey's grandparents in the same room...so lots of special family members all together. It made for a great weekend!!!

The Freets Sleepin...

2007-01-25T07:14:00.000-08:00

I just had to take Noah's photo this morning as I went in and he had kicked his feet out of being swaddled and also managed to scoot his head down. Oh my boy...

My First Baby

2007-01-29T08:05:00.000-08:00

My first baby has a gray goatee, follows me everywhere and sleeps next to me everynight. I grew up never wanting a dog. Until Cabo came into our lives.

Andy and I had decided that maybe a dog would help with our baby situation. We needed something to love and we thought a dog would give us just that. We looked at small dogs, big dogs and every dog in-between. We went to every shelter in Seattle, but none of the dogs seemed like a good fit for us. We had been told to "let the dog pick you" but none of them felt like a good match. We finally went to one last shelter in Everett and walked up and down the aisles looking at all the pups. Then we saw her. She was a stray with big brown eyes and soft black fur. We took her outside to get a feel for her personality and she seemed to like us (granted we were giving her treats, who wouldn't love us?)

We went home without her and I felt like we should pray about her. I knew that for me, having a dog was a big responsibility and I was still pretty nervous around her. That whole night we could not get her out of our minds. We went back to get her the next day.

She's had her moments when we wonder why we got her. She got pneumonia in the first two weeks. She tore apart our laundry room in our old house. I came home to a room filled with fabric sheets, torn ziploc bags and toilet paper everywhere. She goes bananas when someone rings the doorbell. She ate a whole chocolate cake and two cubes of butter. Andy slept the whole night on the deck with her while she was sick from the chocolate cake.

Her trainer calls her C-Lo (instead of J-Lo) since she's a prima donna in the dog class. But she's ours. I could not have made it through some very sad days and long nights without her. She let me hold her like a baby many times as if she knew my heartache. And while she doesn't get nearly as much attention as she used to, and secretly hopes Noah will go away, Cabo is still my first baby.

Happy Friday!

2007-02-02T10:17:00.000-08:00

I am happy to say its Friday and we have nothing planned but to watch the Super Bowl!

For those of you (and you know who you are!!!) who have not visited the NW and been a guest at the casa de Biddle, I've had a few requests to post a few pics of where we live. I purposefully did not take a picture of the guest room since you don't get to see it, unless you come visit!

Super Bowl Sunday!

2007-02-05T08:34:00.000-08:00

I was happy to say that the Colts won...although I think my whole family was voting for the Bears, along with my friends in Chicago. As you can see Noah has his own version of enjoying the game...sleeping!

2007-02-14T07:31:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentines Day Friends-XOXO

Waiting for the storm...

2007-02-15T17:03:00.000-08:00

The storm clouds are a lot darker than the pictures turned out. I think I'll put on the new PJ's Andy gave me for Valentines Day and hunker down for the night!

Shoes

2007-02-20T14:14:00.000-08:00

So these are my "staple" shoes. I wear one of these pairs on a daily basis. The pair of the left is my newest edition. I missed feeling more girly and decided that I needed a saucy pair of heels. MMM...so am I old or is my back just not what it used to be? My back has hurt since Sunday and I put those bad boys on.

I can't believe I used to have a shoe obsession. All of the shoes I want now are 3 inch heels, which are not the best choice for carrying around a 5 month old. It's a sign to stick with ballet flats from here forward.