I am not pregnant. I am really depressed about it. This was essentially the end of the road for us. No more pills, no more shots, no more doctors. My body can't take anymore.
As I was filling yet another tub of clothing that Noah has outgrown, I was sad, really sad. These tubs have been in reserve for the next baby. "Just in case" tubs. And although I am sad, I am sad for Noah. He loves other children. He gets excited when we drive past the neighbors in the hopes that Sam and Luke will be outside. He grabbed Jillian's hand at church on Sunday as to say "let's go buddy..." It breaks my heart to pieces.
I don't understand why this has been our trial. I don't understand why it worked once, and then not again.
So I might burn the pills, melt the shots and shred my 500 page stack of doctors files. Or I might put them in one of the tubs for safekeeping. In the meantime...I still believe in miracles.
2 comments:
I have those "just in case" tubs, too. I find myself wondering what they're really for- maybe for my neighbor across the street who just found out she's expecting twins? It's awfully soon to let go of those tubs... they are a physical manifestation of a little hope inside us, aren't they?
aw man. i'm so sorry. i understand.
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