Honesty...is such a lonely word.

I thought of this Billy Joel song, as I start the quest to have my RS Lesson on "Honesty" come together. In my mind it feels like puzzle pieces that through some serious prayer and promptings by the spirit will come together to form a beautiful lesson. All this is done with hope...lots of it. And some honest reflection.

Is "honesty" really a lonely word? Maybe a little. I turned to a friend for advice this morning on this topic and found her saying "stretch the lesson..." as in, are we honest with our feelings? Are we honest with our emotional temperature? Are we honest when we say things like "I was in the neighborhood." Maybe honesty is a little bit lonely, since it is overcrowded with "yes, I'm fine or no I don't need anything."

I thought of the article of faith "we believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent...etc"...so being honest is core to our beliefs. We know that in theory but when push comes to shove, are we completely honest? I know I wouldn't find myself standing on my soapbox saying "me, me...look at me!" Because that would be a lie.

But here are some things that I'll be honest about:

*Motherhood is hard. I truthfully feel guilt alot that I'm not doing good enough. It honestly drives me to be better.

*I'm worried all the time. It honestly, brings me to my knees to be able to relax.

*The Freets. He honestly needs a sibling. He honestly, might not have one.

*Andy. He honestly drives me nuts sometimes. He's hard to get to know and socially alot like the guy on The Social Network. He honestly, would do anything for anyone.

*Treats. I honestly have a huge sugar addiction. I truly have to workout to keep my weight where it is.

*Life. I honestly worry about the future. The Lord reminds me to remember his truths are real.

So maybe Billy had it wrong, honesty isn't such a lonely word. Cause there is a lot to say on the subject.

Let the games begin

To Do:

*Paint deck

*Fix fence

*Service to someone daily. Report in nightly

*Kayak at least 3x's this summer

*One dinner or activity with another couple monthly

*Date nights (be more consistent)

*BOM after dinner

*Travel:

-Vegas
-Utah
-Rental house in Cali-Summer
-NYC (SIBS?)
-Disneyland in March/April
-Rent house in Chelan in Summer

And two new couches if I can sneak it in.

And of course, Booyah.

Getting Real....

Since the end of 2010 is coming to a close, I too will end this year with some thoughts. I have lots of thoughts when it comes to this year. It was a year of some REAL things. And a lot of things I will be letting go of.

*I will let go of trying to have the perfect body, instead work on a healthy one.

*I will let go of being critical and look into others hearts.

*I will let go of worrying every month that I am not pregnant and enjoy my little family for where we are NOW.

*I will let go of speaking poorly about others, or at least try harder not to.

*I will let go of doing things halfway.

*I will let go of my fear of failure.

*I will let go of my self from 15 years ago, and love who I am now.

*I will let go of comparisons and joy in others accomplishments.

*I will let go of wishing I was different.

*I will let go of worrying and put more faith in the Savior.

*I will let go of wishing and do more making.

*I will let go of living on the surface and be REAL.

*I will let go of standing still when I can dance.

*I will let go of wasted time.

*I will start 2011 with FIREWORKS!

The stuff

Andy and I are in the process of re-doing the master bedroom. This is all that is currently done:

*the paint (ceiling touch ups pending)

*this shelf

Lots more to do. But let's face it, this is the stuff in the house that really matters. US.

Toofy.

Could you resist this smile from the Freet-a-leets?

Light

Five years ago I found myself in a strange place. The light in my soul was dim as the years of infertility had been long and dark. I was teaching seminary and working. And every passing day just meant another day I was not pregnant. Another day I was getting older and another day to take shots, drugs or do whatever thing to my body the latest fertility doctor had prescribed.

Seminary kept me sane, or at least focused. We were studying the Book of Mormon that year and the teenagers while crazy with their falling asleep and strange requests for me to let them sleep, helped me to keep the spirit with me as much as possible.

This was the same year that President Hinckley asked us as a church to read the Book of Mormon. I obeyed. And dangit I selfishly wanted blessings...a particular blessing...a baby. So as I closed the BOM on December 31st, 2005, I expected a miracle. I think I almost demanded one.

About 7 weeks later, I was at seminary in my jean skirt and sweater doing my thang...when a quiet voice said "go home and take a pregnancy test." I had taken one about 3 days prior, and for anyone who has suffered from infertility, you know if you even have a sore throat you get your hopes up and take a pregnancy test. I got in the car and headed home pushing aside my whispering since I had a negative and I didn't think it could have changed in 3 days. When I got home "take a pregnancy test"...whispered in my soul one more time. I knew the minute I took the test that a + sign would be there. I was finally pregnant.

I immediately started all kinds of drugs, shots to keep the pregnancy. We were in full alert as we had lost babies before...and by darn I would take anything to keep this one progressing. If they had told me to eat 20 bananas to keep the baby, I'd have done it! We were like firefighters at any pain, weird spasm and of course any spotting that started. Ready for action and to squelch any sign of possible exit the embryo might have with drugs.

On Sunday night about 9 weeks in, things were not looking good. Too much spotting, too much pain. I called my OB and told him the details of what was going on. He said to come in early Monday morning, but that I had miscarried. I think Andy and I quietly retreated to separate corners that night to figure out what to do with our feelings. An overwhelming feeling of despair took us over.

We sat waiting for our names to be called at the office early the next morning. "I'm so sorry" was heard from nurses and Doctor alike. He did feel the need to do an ultrasound just to make sure and see if anything was left to do a D&C.

Andy stood behind my head, sad and crying. As the doctor moved the wand around, there was nothing.

And then a whisper..."the baby is still there" took over my mind like a warm assurance of peace. I didn't speak. Still nothing was showing on the ultrasound. Then...the nurse said "wait...what is that?"

That was the tiniest and brightest light I'll ever see.

Mustard

This is a photo of my Mom's beater. On Thanksgiving when she pulled it out of the cupboard I rolled my eyes and said "you still have that thing?!" Yes, I think she's had it for over 25 years. And yes, I think she was a little disgusted with me...since it still works and let's face it folks, ya can't get that color anymore.

I had a minute where I started thinking about those crazy beaters and my Mom. I looked around her kitchen. There are a few appliances she's had since we moved into that house when I was 10, which I know...makes me like 26. A lot of things have not changed in my Mom's world. Same appliances, same couch we've had since we were little. Her face and hands have changed a little but she is still wonderful and unique.

I was lucky enough to have a Mom that stayed home. She was there for afternoon snacks, and always loved a good sit down spiritual discussion when she was teaching seminary all those years. She still does. She wasn't the best cook or the fanciest dresser but she was a good Mother.

I have distinct memories of her kneeling next to the toilet when I was deathly ill and praying that I would stop vomiting. She rubbed my back for hours on end when I was diagnosed with Crohn's. She called at the exact moment I would need her to when I was away at school. She immediately called my Dad at work to come home and give me a blessing when the love of my life at the time told me he was marrying someone else. She wrote me every week on my mission. She has cried with me and been at my bedside when I have lost pregnancies. She supported me when I married a non-member. She loves him more than she loves me sometimes! She has come right over when I feel overwhelmed with life and taken Noah for a few hours. And many other memories that I will never forget, and carry them with me throughout life.

When I saw her this morning for a minute she was dressed in a flannel shirt and her hair was disshoveled...but she gave me a little sack of snacks as I left and kept offering me more as I was walking out to the car. That's who she is.

So she is a lot like the mustard beaters. You'll never find one like her.